Nightclub Audience Training Series, Vol.1


I’ve always joked about this sort of this sort of thing, but it seems that the infractions are getting more and more egregious. So, in a lighthearted-yet-pretty-serious kinda way, I present to you the first entry in my Nightclub Audience Training Series.

1. Song requests that have been shouted from the back of the room or from the bar will not be accepted. Yes, you comedic genius, you’re the first person to think that yelling “Free Bird” will get a hoot.
In reality, that joke died in the plane crash with Ronnie Van Zant. Also, song requests are always better accepted with a cash contribution, better known as a tip.

2. Unless the building is on fire, or there is an active shooter situation, or we’re being nuked by the Russians, don’t talk to the musicians while they’re playing. It really does create a rage-inducing break in concentration.
Yeah, I get it. Horn players don’t play throughout the entirety of a tune, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t have to be aware of where in the song I am, or where my next entrance is.
Plus, musicians like to add things to the music on the fly.
Can’t catch cues if you’re not paying attention, or if you’re being distracted by someone who wants a song from the Mariah Carey Christmas album.
In August.

3. Do not ever walk onstage.
EVER.

Sooooo damn disrespectful.
In the South, we are generally polite folks, and we will attempt to handle this situation in the best way possible, without incident.
Try walking onstage at a club while a band is playing in NYC or Philly.
It won’t be pretty. You will get your ass kicked.

3a. Also, along with walking on stage, grabbing the mic is also worthy of much reproach (see entry 3).

4. I don’t care how gentle you think you are, DO NOT TOUCH A MUSICIAN’S INSTRUMENT WITHOUT HIS/HER EXPRESS CONSENT. YOU ARE GAMBLING WITH YOUR WELL BEING BY DOING THIS.
MY INSTRUMENT IS A TOOL THAT ALLOWS ME TO MAKE A LIVING.
IT IS NOT A PROP FOR SELFIES. I DON’T CARE IF YOU PLAYED IN 6TH GRADE, OR IF YOU WERE FIRST CHAIR ALL REGION OR ALL STATE IN HIGH SCHOOL. YOU DIDN’T CONTINUE PLAYING MUSIC. YOU ARE NOT A MUSICIAN. LEAVE MY SHIT ALONE.
Please pardon me for shouting.

As time passes, there will be more of these.
So, in parting, everyone have a good time . Be respectful to each other, enjoy your surroundings, but most importantly:

Don’t get your ass whipped over a song.

Peace.

Sent from my Verizon, Samsung Galaxy smartphone

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