I need a new case. For my horn, that is. I’d prefer to keep all ambulance chasers at arm’s length. Well, unless I’m the one who let slip those particular dogs of litigation. Anyway, It’s seems that the old gig bag is getting tattered and crappy. I also need a new horn. Maybe I should kidnap Callista Gingrich for ransom. I could use the money. However, she wouldn’t stay captive for long. I can’t afford to feed a prisoner Filet Mignon on a daily basis. Plus, those eyes shoot out death-rays. Rumor has it that she is the long-lost descendant of a Gorgon.
I’m all for outdoor fun & games, but I’m too much of a wuss to join the Armed Forces.
Well, back to who I would theoretically kidnap for ransom if I had the heart, time, strategy, financial backing and firepower:
1. Justin Bieber – Teenage girls and middle-aged women have one thing in common.
Their saccharin-dripping lust for this golden-haired boy child has spawned him a kingdom, and a hot, pseudo-jailbait hollywood starlet for a girlfriend. He would be an easy capture. All you’d need is jellybeans, a few Dragonball Z action figures, and a recording of the shrill soprano of young women screaming. The funds would be in da millions, I tell ya, da millions!
2. Zooey Deschanel – Ah, the jewel of hipster quirkiness: Adorable and bespectacled, with flawless alabaster skin. I’m astounded that she can actually be filmed. Maybe they just don’t use lights. Kidnapping her sounds like a good idea, but I think that it would backfire. “…I was pledging for Zooey’s release before it went so totally mainstream and lame.” Ah, hipsters: it’s a great day to be a walking malapropism.
3. Ryan Seacrest – No. He’d probably try to interview me, and broadcast it on American Idol. It would be a complete waste of time. Besides, I’m sure that there would be people willing to pay me to kidnap him and keep him away from tv. The same goes for the entire cast of Jersey Shore.
I’ve gotta cook dinner. More ideas on who I should kidnap for ransom later.
I’m $999,000 short of a million.
And to any lawyers, publicists, politicians, or celebrities themselves: There are just jokes.