It’s been a while, folks.
I haven’t been very active on this blog in a while. I got sidetracked with a couple of relationships that could best be described as the foolhardiness of a man attempting to love a hybrid of a T-800 and a rabid honey badger. Also, playing gigs, losing residencies, learning new instruments, considering new occupations, and watching the nation lose its fucking mind. But through all of this I have one question:
WHY DOES EVERYTHING REQUIRE WIFI?!?!?!?
Why does my refrigerator need a Wi-Fi connection? Is it reading emails, or doomscrolling through social media while it’s keeping the hummus cold and making ice cubes? Is Big Brother monitoring my caloric intake? Is my refrigerator part of some international cabal whose sole purpose is the freezer burning of every piece of meat in its arctic interior? Is it monitoring the stock market? Is my refrigerator more prosperous than me? WHY WASTE THE BANDWITH?! WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS?
Another appliance that has been deemed worthy of a Wi-Fi connection for some reason: The coffee pot.
WHY?
Maybe I’m a transplant from the Bronze Age. I use the most analog of coffee pots in existence: the French Press.
All that is required is ground coffee, boiling water, and the patience to wait for the coffee to steep, usually about three minutes.
For some folks, the wait for water to boil is longer than a trip across the Boötes Void. I don’t get the overbearing impatience.
IT’S LITERALLY WAITING FOR WATER TO BOIL, PEOPLE. UNLESS YOU’RE ATTEMPTING TO BOIL LAKE ERIE, IT DOESN’T TAKE THAT LONG. SIT DOWN AND ENJOY YOURSELF FOR THE 5-6 MINUTES. EVERYTHING DOES NOT REQUIRE MULTITASKING.
Some folks use an electronic coffee pot, complete with a digital clock, digital timer, and other bells and whistles and programmable features. WHY DOES IT NEED Wi-Fi?! If you absolutely must put forth the effort to remotely program your coffee pot to brew a cup at any given time, why not hire a housekeeper? Why not take your goofy self (I can’t believe that I’m about to type this) to Starbucks, or literally any coffee shop? This goes beyond the concept of a conversation piece for your kitchen. With this logic, I can’t wait to see the day when a household appliance is on the hook for a FCC violation, plus fines.
Policeman: “Mr. G, your blender is under arrest for insider trading, online harassment, and wire fraud.”
Me, as the blender is being dragged away: “NOOOOOOO….it made such good smoothies…
Another item that really doesn’t need a Wi-Fi connection is a rice cooker. I’d go further into it, but I figure that Uncle Roger can handle that particular detail.
I’ve got to study. Peace.
